The Regret of Paths Not Taken

I’ve been mulling over some research published by psychologist Tom Gilovich.  A few years ago, he co-wrote a paper titled, “The Ideal Road Not Taken.” I was struck by his findings.  Gilovich concluded that regret does not come from failing to satisfy obligations and responsibilities.  Rather, remorse stems from unfulfilled hopes and aspirations.

Gilovich also notes there are three components that comprise a person’s sense of self.  The actualself, which includes attributes you believe you possess; the ideal self, which includes attributes you’d like to possess along with your hopes and dreams; and the ought self, which includes your shoulds, such as your obligations and responsibilities.

And where do we usually focus our intentions and goals?  On our ought self – “I ought to clean up my diet, I ought to get more sleep, I ought to go to the gym, I ought to be a better partner, parent, friend,”etc.  This is why we spend our time improving our actual selves instead of investing in our ideal selves.

I believe midlife is the perfect time to make adjustments to this equation.  And let me say, I use the word “midlife” very broadly – it’s somewhere between Gen Z and old age.  It’s time in your life when you have experience, wisdom and the energy to implement change.

Let’s take a closer look at the three elements of self and some helpful strategies for each:

1. The Actual Self: This self is “what is.”  A helpful strategy to work with your actual self is learning to accept all of who you are and celebrating it.  So many of our blessings are disguised as everyday happenings we take for granted, including our incredible selves.  Think about the everyday miracles that happen without fail that go unnoticed.  Also, it’s helpful to remember how you’ve navigated the difficult life terrain over the decades.  Take a few moments each day to honor all you’ve accomplished and experienced – all the things that make you, you.

2. The Ideal Self: This self is your North Star, providing direction and motivation.  A helpful strategy to work with your ideal self is to explore the relevance of your hopes and dreams.  Do your aspirations need to be updated?  Maybe you wanted to be a rock star in your 20s but, what you really want now is to be an entrepreneur or an artist.  Or maybe you still want to rock out.  There’s no right answer, only the one that feels inspiring to you today.

3. The Ought Self: This self is concerned with the things you feel you should do, or could do, or have to do.  A useful strategy to work with the ought self is to identify the beliefs and influences that impact this self the most and change the narrative.  Perhaps it’s your own internal expectations or those of your family, work or social structure.  It’s been my experience that redefining your roles and responsibilities isn’t a quick fix.  But I’ve found that over time, self-compassion, which includes awareness, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness, is a way to reprogram the inner story.

Using the three elements of self as a backdrop, how do you find some harmony among them?  The question I would pose is how can your actual self redirect time from your ought self to allow your ideal self to express itself a bit?  Put another way, how can you begin to make investing in your ideal self enjoyable?

Rest assured that a full makeover is not required unless you feel inspired to take some big actions.  It’s how the most successful second chapters are created – one small step at a time allows your actual self to get the skills and experience and invites your ought self to chill out.

To work with these themes, I suggest getting a small notebook you can keep with you and begin taking notes of things that are resonating during your days.  It’s also helpful to keep a list of the things that don’t feel great anymore.  These lists will become a treasure trove, providing clues on the way forward.

The notebook, or a dedicated note on your phone, becomes essential because these types of clues seem to come in the middle of other activities – in meetings, while driving, brushing your teeth, cooking dinner, or on an airplane.  It helps to have one place to collect these seemingly random thoughts to study when you have a quiet moment.

What patterns are you noticing?  Where are some changes needed?  What are some experiences you’d love to have?

These thoughts are pointing the way toward your future.  Jotting them down is a way of listening and crafting your days in a way that will delight your ideal self.  Ultimately, your actual self and the vision of your ideal self will begin to merge.

Here are three suggestions to help you move directionally toward your ideal self:

1. Create a new list of aspirational experiences.  You can begin by looking for hidden remnants in your journals, old bucket lists, or abandoned passion projects.  Then expand your daily awareness to catch some new glimpses of things that are making you curious or feeling excited to learn more.  Keep in mind that these early hints are usually quite shy and tend to speak in whispers.

2. Pursue avenues of inspiration.  If you’re feeling alone during this period of exploration, there are plenty of ways to learn more about the things that your ideal self finds engaging.  Seek out books, podcasts, movies, YouTube clips, and stories of those who live in this new way.  There are mentors, coaches, communities and gatherings.  Don’t forget online courses, weekend workshops or resource lists to expand your horizon.

3. Listen and trust your ideal self.  This journey is one of seeking fertile soil to plant new seeds of possibility.  The only way to find that field is to begin walking.  As you do, pay attention to what comes into your awareness.  Be mindful of this inner guidance and develop a relationship with it. Over time, you’ll begin to trust this inner compass as your only true source.  Keep an open mind, a curious heart and be willing to learn.  Inevitably, the next synchronistic stepping stone will appear just when you need it.

This is the perfect time to invest in the things that breathe new life into your ideal self.  It’s not too late to craft a future that is aligned with who you long to be.  Your unique adventure awaits!

Journal Reflections: What paths have you not yet taken? How might you enjoyably invest in your ideal self? What potential aspirational and inspirational experiences await?