The Art of Holding Paradox
Is it just me or does our world seem increasingly tumultuous and erratic? Is this new or am I just getting older? Could it be I’m just misremembering the past few decades when things seemed a little more even keel?
Lately I’ve been noticing an interesting pattern in conversation, whether with podcast guests or discussions with family and friends. We’re processing a lot as we try to make sense of our world, one that seems to grow in complexity each day. I’ve been looking for a way to work through the upheaval, whether it’s personal, professional, or through larger themes, such the underlying feeling of national discord or the broader global turmoil that’s intensifying.
A practice I’ve written about before is that of holding a question. Recently, I’ve found it helpful to expand that practice to holding the paradox. A paradox is simply a contradictory statement that when explored we may find elements of truth.
Like: “The more you learn the less you know.”
What can be more confusing in these times is when we’re asked to take sides on an issue, to see things as binary, as yes or no, as either/or. Yet what is bringing me more peace of mind and heart these days is expanding the either/or view to both/and.
The practice of considering a both/and view doesn’t ask that we agree with opposing views – but it does ask us to allow the space for multiple experiences, opinions and possibilities. I find the more I practice the art of holding paradox, the more positive the effect on my well-being.
Paradoxical thinking gives us the opportunity to approach our challenges from different angles instead of one perspective for a deeper understanding and more inclusive resolution. This is the power of honing the ability to hold the tension of multiple opinions and experiences simultaneously. I find that when I do this, I feel a sense of peace, like the pressure to be on “the right side of the situation” eases and I can go deeper to explore the underlying themes without emotion. Less struggle means less negative emotional spirals.
Utilizing a paradox mindset permits me to live with competing perspectives and use them as a springboard to learn and grow versus expending energy on situations that aren’t resolvable in this moment. This doesn’t let me off the hook – it doesn’t suggest inaction. However, I get to choose – is this a place where I want to help, is there something I can improve? And if I don’t feel that calling, can I be at peace with what is, can I shift my vantage point to see there’s a purpose in the situation even if I can’t understand it at this time?
I’ve also come to learn that a paradox mindset can be developed. Like any other wellness asset, if we can accept the discomfort of change long enough to see results, the more likely we’ll continue and deepen the practice. As we begin to experience more peaceful, creative thinking that results in new possibilities for long-term collaborative solutions, the more we’ll be willing to engage in paradoxical thinking until it becomes our default mode.
There’s a time and place for binary choices, especially when we need to make a quick decision or there’s less gray area and the choice is clear. But a fixed mindset applied to all situations can result in narrowing our vision and limiting our choices. It can also bind us to outcome, resulting in the need to defend our way of thinking.
Conversely, the both/and approach is useful when making decisions with long-term impact or ones where roots run deep and it’s helpful to validate different perspectives. So one approach does not replace the other.
A both/and approach can work in these times of confusion, conflict and exhaustion. It’s a great tool for the wholehearted living toolkit – a Swiss Army knife for sitting in the tension, embracing all the feelings and experiences while inviting possibility.
Here are some practical ways to utilize paradoxical thinking to enhance our well-being:
Shift from problem-solving to paradox holding. Think less about solving the challenge and more about acknowledging its size and complexity. Commit to trying a new approach of just being in the situation with full presence.
Hold the tension and accept the discomfort. Including tension and discomfort in the equation allows us to prepare ourselves for what’s ahead in a way that’s healthy and part of the process, focusing us on what we can actually control – our outlook and actions.
Inquire with open-ended questions to reframe. Curiosity is your friend in times of change and uncertainty. Examples of open-ended questions include: How is it for you regarding… Tell me more about… What are your thoughts on… If you could how would you…. How might we… How can we include both views?
Keep emotions at bay. Take a pause. Consider the impact of expressing your emotions and how you might be able to do so in a healthy way. Giving ourselves an emotional buffer allows the feelings to keep moving and not be repressed while minimizing the impact on our decisions and to others.
Explore the ideas that differ from your current thinking. Our default in processing information is against our preset beliefs. The challenge is to expand that information processing realm to include diverse views. What can you learn? Are there connections you haven’t considered? How might the combination of ideas create new possibilities?
The purpose of stepping through this thought process is to look for patterns that bring us to new vantage points. Many times when we feel overwhelm and tension it’s because we’re either not seeing the interconnections or trying to resolve a situation that needs to be addressed with a broader perspective.
What we find when we hold a paradox is that what’s on the other side – is insight. Born out of the sometimes uncomfortable tension is a breakthrough in understanding that can turn disagreement into exploration and defensiveness into reflection.
If there’s one takeaway for you, I hope it’s this: It’s possible that a sense of richness can arise from life’s complexities. Beyond binary thought is fertile territory where you can find consensus and kindness with yourself and with others.
For me, this approach feels like a deep breath, a space to work through life experience. And the deeper I go within, the more interconnectedness I find. Another paradox.
I hope this post gives you some food for thought. Interestingly, the phrase food for thought is a metaphor and not a paradox, however, paradoxes can be considered food for thought. :-)
I’d like to leave you today with a quote from the 13th century Sufi poet Rumi, who, I’m guessing, wrote this while pondering paradoxical thinking:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Journal Reflections: How do you feel about holding paradox? What is your default mode of thinking? How might you incorporate more of a both/and approach?