The Importance of Gathering
Does this situation sound familiar? You’re attending a wake or funeral service chatting with relatives you haven’t seen since, well, the last service for a relative who died. You spend time catching up and as you leave, you find yourself saying something like… “We must get together soon.” You mean it when you say it. But back home and in the flow of life, it never materializes.
This recently happened to me when a cousin of my mom’s passed. He was 85 and a treasured member of our family. As I was uploading pictures to the funeral parlor’s website in preparation for his service, I smiled recalling all the good times these cousins shared in their later years, whether on vacation or at each other’s homes. But then I was struck that almost all of the members of the generation that preceded me, including my mom, have passed. Somehow the kids became the elders.
And I got see these “kids” – all of my second cousins from Brooklyn – when I attended that May funeral. I was amazed at how easily the conversation flowed with people I hadn’t seen in a long time. And I vowed that we’d see each other before the next wake. That reunion happened last week. The unifying thread of the guest list was our great-grandmother, Maria.
Maria arrived in this country through Ellis Island in 1903 as a soon-to-be wed teenager. The heartbeat of existence in those days was one square block in Brooklyn where Maria’s children raised their families, our parents. When I was growing up, we cousins made the weekly trip from New Jersey, Staten Island and Long Island to visit our elders.
Last month, this clan of cousins and second cousins gathered, bound by our Brooklyn heritage. Many of them can remember when I was born. We shared collective memories of the neighborhood, the church, the smell of my grandmother’s cooking, family celebrations, how we played in the apartment hallway and ate at the kid’s table in the kitchen. These are things that no one else knows – and the foundation that made us the adults we are today.
By all accounts, the gathering was a success. I measure this by the hoarse voice and sore stomach muscles I had the day after – the result of spirited conversation and side-splitting laughter – two important components of wellness as far as I’m concerned. But there was also a sense of rejuvenation that lasted long into the week emanating from genuine connection and belonging that comes from being in the community of our extended village.
We share a humble family lineage – great-grandparents who immigrated from Italy, grandparents who lived through the Great Depression and gave birth to the Greatest Generation, our parents, who wanted nothing more for their kids, us, than to live the American Dream – meaning that we would have the opportunity to enjoy a higher standard of living than they did – something we each managed to do in our own way.
What our family gave us was a legacy of love, good-heartedness and a solid work ethic – instilled in roots that run deep to this day through our growing family tree of next generations. And there’s no doubt in my mind that as we were kicking up our heels, our ancestors were smiling down on us, proud of a job well done. And reminding us that it’s our turn to tend the legacy.
So here’s my invitation for you: How might you be able to find a light-hearted way to reconnect with those you haven’t seen in a while to share old stories and make new memories?
It doesn’t have to be fancy. Our recent gathering was a picnic with a 3’ hero and a cooler of beer. The emphasis should be on having fun. And if you can, perhaps find ways to include the younger generations so they have a better understanding of where they come from. That’s something we hope to do next year when we gather again.
Maybe it’s just a function of age, but the old adage is true – time is precious. When I look back at the last time our family had a reunion, it was 2006. So many of our elders from that gathering are no longer here, and we have the hindsight now to appreciate what that time together meant.
Think of it as an investment. An investment in your family – no matter how big or small, no matter its make-up. However you define your “framily,” whether by bloodline or unconditional love – schedule some quality time with them today. Someday in the future, you’ll be so glad you did.
Journal Reflections: Who are the people who meant the most when you were growing up? How might you reconnect with that legacy? Are there recollections, pictures or conversations you can have with those who can add to the storyline? How might you share these stories with the next generation?